I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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