I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Two words: blizzard sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
