I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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