my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
