fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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