Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
