I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
