This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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