On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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