My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
