she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
