Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
