I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
