But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize