Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
