Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
