you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
