now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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