everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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