I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
