I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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