I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
