the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Someone shit on the floor
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
