Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I could make wine with my vomit
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
