It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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