I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize