she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
