you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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