i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
