3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
