I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
