when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize