i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
