Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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