they need to just BURY HIM!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just gift wrapped bread.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
