Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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