White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
