Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
