I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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