you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
