Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
