And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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