I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
