What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I AM VODKA MAN
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize