the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
