please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
