we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
