Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
