If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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