i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
