If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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