i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
