The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
