good thing vaginas are great cup holders
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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