Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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