Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
