In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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