omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
