Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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