Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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